Growing up, I was very self conscious of my body image and I did not feel comfortable with who I was. I was average sized and stayed pretty active with my various dance classes. I remember always looking through women’s “health” magazines and having an overwhelming feeling that I needed to diet and exercise and do everything to change the size of my body. To be thinner. To be “beautiful”.
I remember telling my family about these “diets” that I was going on. I tried restricting my food intake, I tried cutting back on carbs or sugar. I tried detoxes and pills that are suppose to help you lose weight fast. I remember wishing I could be successful and hated myself every time that I failed.
My binge eating behavior began in high school. I remember people would question what I was eating and why I was eating it and I hated the extra attention that I gained from my eating habits. I then began to stay up late to binge on food that I really wanted, that I had been restricting from my diet. I recognize this as an “all or nothing” mentality. I figured if I took one bite, or ate one cookie that I would just eat whatever the heck I wanted for the rest of the day.
This sent me into a vicious and dangerous cycle. I felt completely out of control. I gained weight which felt like a million pounds to me at the time. [Looking back, I would never consider myself “fat” or “obese”]. But because of my mentality at the time, this weight gain only made me hate myself more.
No one ever knew of my problems, or at least, I never wanted anyone to know. I was ashamed that I thought about food excessively and really became addicted to numbing myself with food.
I tell this story not to create self-pity or anything else. I tell this story because I have come a long way. I have overcome a lot and it has only been recently that I have fully realized that. It is still a road that I am traveling and I will admit that I trip, stumble and even fall down a lot along the way. But I am getting back up. And I hope that anyone else that has had similar struggles in their lives will also find hope and keep getting back up.
Most people many not understand the detrimental effects of eating disorders or disordered eating. Eating disorders create a dysfunctional thought process which leave you feeling out of control and helpless. It becomes addictive and it takes hitting rock bottom to turn your life around. And even then it is a scary, unfamiliar, challenging road to recovery.
I remember hitting rock bottom. I remember realizing that my disordered eating was controlling my life and I didn’t want to live like that forever. I wanted to change. I needed to change.
Now in my life, I have become more content with who I am and I am incredibly grateful for the support and strength that I have gained along the way. Even though I have made ample amounts of advancement from where I was, I am still working on it. Recently, I have come to gain incredible insights that have helped me on this journey.
Skydiving is a great illustration of overcoming fears and obstacles in life.
Take the leap toward progression in your own life.
It is vital to know and understand the triggers in your life. If you have had similar struggles or completely different compulsive behaviors, come to recognize what sets you off into the downward spiral.
Personally, I don’t do the best when I am under a lot of stress or when I get upset. It triggers something from my past that makes me want to fall back into the stages of my life that involved emotional eating.
Another trigger that I am able to recognize is when I am hungry and don’t have healthy food that is easily accessible. Usually in the afternoon, I get a little hungry and tend to have the temptation to reach for unhealthy snacks. Snacks aren’t bad at all, but for me I am still learning to overcome my “all or nothing” thinking. So having one unhealthy treat or snack has compulsive, repelling effects. It helps me to have a meal plan and to have healthy food consistently prepared for myself.
Something that I recently realized is that the “all or nothing” mentality has carried with me into different parts of my life. When problems or difficulties arise in various phases of life, I want to run away from them. I either want it to work out perfectly or I don’t want to deal with it at all. This is not a healthy way of coping with life’s challenges and I am grateful for the insight I have gained that is helping me overcome this roadblock. To illustrate this, think of getting a flat tire. Just because you got a flat tire, do you think you would go ahead and slash your other three tires as well? I don’t think so, yet this is something that we do in other emotional aspects of our lives.
The Grand Canyon was made by persistence.
Think what you can become with the same persistence in your life.
To continue, I have learned that willpower is a muscle just like any other muscle in our bodies and it takes time and effort to build strength. It takes consistent training and reminders to stay motivated. A healthy lifestyle begins in the brain. It is a mental battle to overcome. Realize that change isn’t going to happen overnight. Be patient with yourself. Think of a baby that is learning to walk next time you get discouraged that you didn’t do your best. A baby learning to walk, stumbles and falls down, and how do their parents react? They are excited and happy of the progression of their baby and simply help them up without further thought of their first wobbles. Have that same mentality when thinking about your own personal progression. Have joy in your journey of baby steps toward improvement.
My cute nephew Odin continues to learn and advance in his own life.
